I hope this finds you well, though I do appreciate that your common replying time to queries is 5 months too late, and that you’re probably too busy spamming a student with unnecessary e-mails to reply to a mere mortal like myself.
I have had a few issues on my mind recently to do with you, and the way you do things. I was kept up till 3am this morning, not by my thoughts, but by the unbearable ‘ping!’ on my phone every time you sent me an e-mail completely unrelated to my life. Such as 3 e-mails attempting to persuade me to fill out a survey about your services. One was quite enough, thank you. You’ll be pleased to know I’ve set up a whole new e-mail account just for you, oh aren’t you lucky?
Secondly, I want to know where the money that we pay to apply for Uni actually goes? Oh wait no, I’ve figured it out. It’s probably the free pens and other goodies you shove in student’s faces at the first opportunity. Seriously, I’m sorted for life. No more pens, please no more pens. I have a suggestion for you, Mr UCAS, perhaps you could focus on hiring better staff? Or better staff training? I’ll admit, it gets a bit boring when staff always reply to your queries with ‘You have to take this up with the University directly’. So boring that I retreat to trying to stick one of your free pens in my eye. Or, do you not what an even better use of the money would be? Hiring a website layout developer. As once a timid year 12, trying to navigate your website was like trying to butter a sandwich with a fork. Mmm, a sandwich. I am craving one of those rare things. Shame I’m too poor to afford one as a student, something that you definitely didn’t educate me about in your spamming sessions.
Basically, UCRAPS (is it OK if I call you that?), your services to me as a sixth-former have been so shockingly terrible, daunting and downright unbearable, have made me at points even consider moving to a foreign country where such a ‘mentoring’ website does not exist, where I am not constrained to a mere five choices to decide the rest of my future, and where I’ll hopefully get some free paper to add to my free pens.
A deflated and cheated Year 13,
Lauren Lea Cunningham